The New Regime

Hello all!

We started our new regime today of waking up early and doing all of our work before lunch and then having the afternoon off. The alarm sounded at 5:45 am... and I was pissed. I haven't woken up this early on a daily basis since Safe Harbor in California!!!! So now the day goes a little something like this: 5:45 - wake up; 6-7 do daily chores (I water plants and take care of the babies), and be outside working from 7 until 1 pm when we break for lunch. Although it's a bitch to wake up with the sun, it is nice to be getting all the work done in the early day, before it gets too hot. Today we basically finished our greenhouse. We sifted a ton of manure and dirt and mixed it together for the raised beds, filled them (mostly -- we need more poo), got the majority of the babies inside, set up a watering system and put up part of the far west wall (we hadn't constructed it so we could more easily work on the beds and move the wheelbarrow in and out). It was a long day but it was really cool to see all the people doing all the different tasks. Altogether, we got it done fairly quickly, and all that Bella and I had envisioned going into this greenhouse is finally tangible and there. It's pretty awesome.

It was also pretty awesome getting to work today. Sitting inside all day yesterday sucked, so I finally gave in and called my doctor. She gave me a pill and "viola!" I was good as new today. It was a beautiful, cloudless day and we worked hard. After finishing lunch, we all (all 5 and a big dog) piled into my car and went to the Falls up on Greenhorn. On the way, we picked up Bill and Mike from Atzlan -- which filled my little jeep to 7 people and a dog. It was quite packed and smelly in my car, haha. But we got there!! (after everyone had to get out just short of the falls so I could get over this hill that I was spinning out on... yay no all-wheel drive) The Falls were AWESOME. So beautiful, so amazing. Unlike anything I've seen before. It's just one of those rivers that you see in the mountains and you're like "aah... I love this place." We layed out on the rocks and drank beer and swam (it was freakin' freezing) for like 2 and a half hours. We bouldered on the rocks and explored up and down the little canyon. It was such an amazing way to spend the afternoon after such a hard morning's work. All was well until the end, however, when I, having become a super light weight and can get tipsy off two beers), spilled my beer and the bottle went rolling and crashed into a million pieces... right next to my foot. Don't worry though... only one big chunk got me, haha. Stung like a mother, I'll tell you what, but I got the glass out and soaked my foot in the cold river. It felt niiiiiice.... now it just stings.

So that was my day today. I am pooped. Other things have been going alright I guess... It's day 5 of zero Lexapro... and I'm beginning to feel it. I started crying this morning when Ben teased me about only fixing the electricity because I wanted to charge my computer. (Yes, I fixed the charge controller) I was like "umm... I know I have these faults and I know I can be selfish, but really, right now is not the time to fuck with me. Any other time I can take ball-busting and send it right back. But right now, I'm an emotional basket case." During all this, I started crying. I felt (feel) like such a little baby. When I went into this whole weaning off my psychiatric meds thing, I never thought about how hard it would actually be. I mean, seriously, it's been 9 years straight that I've been medicated. WHO AM I? REALLY?

I think I'm beginning to find out... and I'm beginning to think I don't totally like it. Everyone here (minus Chase, duh) is so patient and compassionate and live in good intention and I... don't. I might have left all material and superficial items in Texas, and dropped the comfortable American lifestyle of convenience... but I'm still programmed that way. Change is hard. And change takes a long time. I know I can be a better person, I'm just so disappointed in myself that I'm not already that person. A lot of this is also probably the lack of Lexapro talking... damn you pharmaceutical companies!! I swear, in a week or two, I'll plateau and be just fine. But these first weeks of withdrawing from a medication are a bitch!

Did you notice that shift there? Haha... I was all mopey and tearful until about the third sentence of that last paragraph, when my sister called and, as always, made everything better. I love you, siiiiiyster!

Nights are the hardest... I may be pooped but my mind is still going! It's that damn tape recorder going over and over and over in my head. Time to turn that sucker off the natural way... :-)

Thanks for reading all and I'll be back with more in the next couple of days!